Ronald Weasley Writes a Fanfic
by Socra
Summary: What happens when Ron begins to write fantasies about his life? Will someone find his story and read it? Will others write their own? Read to find out! Hah!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj oh sorry I was typing j's to the beat of the song I was just listening to. The sad part is that I really was. And that I don't own all these Potter People.

A/N- Five unfinished fics spanning two years... and a now a new one? Shame on me. Oh well. (Oh, and my mom called Dumbledore "Gandalf" today. HAHAHAA!!)

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"Ron!" Hermione shrieked. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MESS EVERYTHING UP! IF YOU'RE SO JEALOUS OF ME BEING WITH DEAN, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME OUT SOMETIME DURING THE _FIVE_ ODD YEARS WE WERE DISGUSTINGLY IMFATUATED WITH EACH OTHER!!! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I'M FIFTY, YOU KNOW! I'M SEVENTEEN AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID!!!"

Ron turned red in the face, shocked and embarrassed. "Hermione..." he mumbled, "a lot of girls don't have...sex.. until they're in their twenties..."

"WELL BULLY FOR THEM!" she screamed. "AND MEANWHILE, YOU'VE SHAGGED NOT ONLY LAVENDER BROWN, BUT PADMA, PARVATI, PANSY, AND GOD KNOW WHO ELSE.. POMFREY? PERCY?"

Ron abandoned his frightened face to adopt one of disgust. "HERMIONE!" he cried. "Percy is my _brother_!"

"WELL HIS NAME STARTS WITH A P!!!!" she wailed. "AND YOU DON'T SEEM TOO PICKY ABOUT WHO YOU'RE SHAGGING, ONLY WHO YOU'RE _NOT_ SHAGGING!! LIKE ME!!!"

"Well it's not like..." Ron's words were lost in random muttering.

Hermione stared at him, bug-eyed, awaiting a response. Her right eye twitched repetitively. When he only continued to mutter to himself, she made a stiffled squeak of frusturation. "Forget it!" she shouted. "You're not worth it anymore! You were never worth it! I've had it with you! No more chances! No more me running after you hoping you'll notice me while you're shoving your tongue down other girls' throats. No more! No more being insulted by your bad taste in women! No more trying to correct your ridiculous homework mistakes! No more crying at night! No more ruined meals! NO MORE!!!!" She kept screaming "no more!" over and over again as she took off out of the Gryffindor common room.

Harry clapped Ron on the back. "Real smooth, Ron," he said.

"Oh sod off!" Ron snapped, hiding his face in his hands.

"Did you know that when you guys fight, you make life for me five zillion times harder?" Harry asked. Ron only made strangled noises into his hands. Harry shook his head and went off to bed.

When Ron was sure Harry was far, far away, he took his hands off his face. He looked fairly miserable. And by "fairly" I mostly mean "incredibly, horrifically, dreadfully, pathetically, mordibly, obesely, ad infinetum". He slowly picked up his Herbology book and some parchment. Everyone was off sleeping, dreaming of beautiful things, while Ron had to begin an essay that he should have done a week ago. He had no idea what to write and the only one who might have helped him was probably still screaming "NO MORE!" as she ran through random corridors. Well, Harry might have helped... if Harry knew the material. He had copied from Dean, and Ron's self-righteousness would not allow him to accept any assistance from Dean, no matter how indirect.

Ron sighed and dipped his quill in the ink bottle. He then put then point of the quill to the paper and... ... ... nothing. "Think, think!" he thought to himself. Nothing. "Just start writing!" he told himself. Nothing. "Write something!"

His quill began to scratch against the parchment. "_Herbology is a subject that Hermione Granger is very good at_," he wrote.

Ron read the one sentence on his parchment, looking confused. After a few moments of staring, he continued, "_She is so good at it that Professor Sprout insists that she tutor his worst student, Ronald Weasley._"

A smile bloomed across Ron's face. He furrowed his brow in concentration. "_'Professor!' the brown-haired, hot girl protested. 'Wouldn't Neville be a better choice?' _

_'Yes, but Neville already has fifty students he is tutoring,' Sprout said. _

_'Oh no! This will be really awkward!' Hermione cried. _

_'Sorry, you and Ronald will have to work out your problems now because you have to tutor him,' Sprout said. _

_Hermione left the classroom, thinking about how hard it would be to tutor Ron without being distracted by his attractiveness. He had such a great body and also very dazzling blue eyes._"

Ron stopped, looking exceedingly pleased as he reread his work a few times over. Forget his Herbology assignment! This was way more fun! Besides, maybe he'd be able to copy Lavender's tomorrow at lunch. She still wanted him back. Desperately. It was quite sad, really.

Feeling quite tired, Ron packed up and headed off to bed. He fell asleep thinking about how his and Hermione's tutoring session would turn out.

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End Note: This chapter is short to see how interested everyone is. If you like it, I'd be more than glad to continue. I have loads of ideas. So many that I might continue even if you don't like it. 


	2. The Obsession Begins

Disclaimer - Yep, I still don't own these pretties.

A/N - Well.. no reviews! Oh boy! But I'm starting chapter two anyways! So there!

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Ron furiously copied Lavender's paper, allowing her to coo sweet-nothings at him as she nibbled on his ear. "Uh huh... mm..." he kept mumbling lamely as he tried to jot down every last detail so he could draft it into his own essay during Charms. He had learned long ago that copying someone else's work word-for-word wasn't a good idea. When he was done he packed his work up, shoved a roll into his mouth, and mumbled a goodbye to Lavender. She blew a kiss at him as he slipped out of the Great Hall.

He ran all the way to Charms so he could be just as early as Hermione is every time. Sure enough, she was sitting at her table waiting for class to start. He slid into the seat next to her. "Dean will want to sit there," she said, still looking forward.

He remembered his story and smiled to himself, not bothered by her snide little statement. "Well, I suppose he'll have to ask me to move when he gets here," Ron said, getting out his materials.

Hermione peered over at his things. She rolled her eyes. "Still procrastinating on that Herbology essay?" she asked.

Ron smiled at her. "Actually, no. I'm doing it right now," he replied.

She scoffed and looked angry. "Did you copy from someone again?" she asked.

"Yep," he said.

"Typical," she snipped. He shrugged and started on his Herbology essay. More kids started filtering into the room. Ron heard a book thump down onto their desk.

"Excuse me," Dean said. "May I claim my seat?"

"If you get here earlier, maybe," Ron responded, not looking up from his work. He grinned imagining Dean's and Hermione's expressions. Hermione was, no doubt, impressed. Dean huffed, mumbled a 'see you later' at Hermione, and stormed off to another desk. He had to sit next to Lavender. Ron snickered.

When Charms was over, Ron triumphantly went forth to Herbology. Dean and Hermione were able to grab seats next to each other, so Ron was forced to stare at Hermione from across the room. When the class got boring enough, he took out his story and began to write...

"_Hermione showed up in the Gryffindor common room exactly on time. She sat down next to Ron, trying to not look at him. _

_'Hey Hermione,' Ron said, his eyes sparkling. _

_'Hello Ron,' she replied. 'Are you ready to work on your Herbology?' Hermione was looking quite beautiful. _

_'Ready if you are, babe,' Ron answered. _

_'Don't call me that!' Hermione snapped."_

Ron stopped writing and scowled. Hermione even fought with him in his fantasies! Damn her! He glared at her from his seat. After glaring at Hermione for ten minutes, she finally glanced over at him and glared back. Ron huffed to himself. Then, grinning mischieviously, Ron stooped back over his parchment.

_"Ron shrugged and began to work on his Herbology. He was making some very good points._

_'Wow! Ron, how do you know all of this?' Hermione asked. _

_'Well, Hermione, I have to admit that I have known all this all along. I only pretended not to so that you'd tutor me,' Ron explained. _

_Hermione looked shocked. 'I'm flattered, Ron,' she gasped. 'You made everyone believe you were immensely stupid only so you could be with me! That's so daring! I would not be able to do that because I am an incorrigible know-it-all.'_"

Ron chuckled to himself, earning a few wayward glances from nearby students. Including Harry.

"What are you doing?" Harry whispered, leaning towards is friend and attempting to get a look at his paper.

Ron covered his story with his arms. "Nothing," he whispered back.

"What were you writing then?" Harry persisted.

"Notes!" he snapped.

"What was so funny, then?" Harry asked.

"Your ugly face!" Ron said, then turned away from Harry. Harry gaped at Ron and then plastered a petulant pout on his face as he returned to listening to Sprout drone on and on about Lion's mane root. Whatever that was. Ron continued to write...

_'I think you're too hard on yourself, Hermione,' Ron said kindly, patting her on the back. _

_'Oh Ron!' Hermione cried, throwing her arms around the handsome red-head. _

_Ron looked at her seriously. 'Hermione... what would Dean think if he saw you right now?' he asked. _

_'I don't care what he thinks!' Hermione said, leaning closer to him. _

_'Why not?' Ron asked. _

_'Because he is a stupid oaf and a maladorous git! He can't compare to you, Ron!' Hermione cried. 'You must believe me! You are way smarter than any boy at Hogwarts and way more handsome! And also you are more daring than Harry!' _

_'I'm sorry, Hermione...' Ron said. 'I don't mess with girls who have boyfriends.' _

_Hermione looked distraught. Tears streamed down her face. 'I'll fix this, Ron!' she said dramatically, getting to her feet. 'Trust me!'"_

Students started filing out of the classroom. Ron hurriedly stuffed his story into his bag and rushed out of the classroom after Hermione. "Hermione!" he called. She and Dean were holding hands as they walked to Potions together. Hermione turned and eyed Ron with contempt. "What do you want?" she asked venomously when Ron was within range.

"Just wanted to warn you that Snape is giving a surprise test today.." Ron told her brightly. "Oh and Dean.. Harry said he wanted to talk to you."

"Huh?" Dean murmered, looking further back down the hallway for Harry. "See you in class," he told Hermione, heading off to find Harry.

Hermione only looked panicked and rushed off towards the dungeons. Ron kept up with her. "I'm sure you know the material just fine," he cooed.

"No, no, no!" she cried. "I'm a little behind on the reading! I've been spending too much time with Dean! I'm so stupid! Oh Gods!"

"Doing what?" Ron asked, both of them now running.

"None of your business, WEASLEY," she hissed, dodging into the Potions room.

He followed after her. "Oh come off it, Hermione! I don't want to be dealing with _two_ Malfoys!" he whined.

"What was that you said, Weasley?" a drawling voice asked. Ron ignored Draco and grabbed the seat next to Hermione. She glared at him and was about to say something when Draco planted his hands on their table. "I hate to break up your little love session, but-" Draco sneered. "Oh that's right, Granger has finally moved on! I'll bet that's tearing you all up inside, Weasley."

"Yeah," Ron said, "probably just like how you felt when I was shagging Pansy."

Draco's eyes burned into Ron's. "You'd do well not to bring that up ever again," he hissed.

"Well that would be easier to do if Pansy weren't always begging for another go..." Ron shot back.

"That's disgusting, Ron!" Hermione cried as she ferverently scanned her notes.

Draco remained murderously calm. "Not as disgusting as the sight of you and Thomas going at it," Draco said coolly. Hermione snapped to the ready, eyes blazing with hatred. Ron looked confused as to why Draco had let him get away with such a bad insult. But Draco wasn't done. "And not as disgusting as Ginny Weasley's obsession with me," he added, smirking.

Ron got to his feet, face red. "Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! That's a lie!" Ron objected fiercely.

"Down, Mr. Weasley," Snape ordered as he swept into the room. Ron and Draco glared at each other. "Back to your seat, Draco." Hermione, looking nervous, yanked Ron back down into his seat. Draco scoffed and sauntered back over his seat next to Blaise, who had been watching with conflict with humour.

Harry and Dean bounced into the room. Dean was just in time to see Hermione grab Ron's hand and pull him into the seat next to her. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously as he took the last seat next to Pansy Parkinson. Ron turned his seat to smirk at Dean, and then at Pansy. Both of them grumbled obscenities under their breath.

"Now," Snape said brightly, "time for a surprise test!" The class groaned and someone shrieked. "Impressive display," Snape drawled, passing out the tests. "Perhaps you should have done the work I assigned."

Hermione, feeling as if that remark were personally directed at her, shuddered.


	3. Ron Divulges

Disclaimer - Not owning!

A/N - So... what do you think? I really like this fic. It's not going to be entirely about Ron's fic, it's also going to delve into all the stupid things Ron does. So, if that interests you... Also, I will be highlighting Draco's relationships to others more and more often from here on. As well as other perspectives, though I won't reveal them to you!!!! hehehe

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_"Hermione came running into the Gryffindor common room. 'Ron!' she cried, weeping. 'Oh Ron!' _

_Ron rushed to her side as she collapsed onto the couch. 'What is it, Hermione, my love?' he asked. _

_Hermione continued to weep. 'It's Dean! I tried to break it off with him, but he said he'd never let me go! Oh Ron! I just don't know what he's going to do!' she wept. _

_'Don't worry, Hermione! I will protect you from Dean!' Ron vowed, holding Hermione in his arms majestically. _

_'I knew I could count on you!' Hermione said. 'What was I thinking dating someone else? It is obvious that it is not possible to find anyone better than you! You are the most brilliant boy in the whole world! And also the best at Quidditch!' _

_Ron only smiled modestly. 'I will never leave your side,' he told her._

Ron looked up from his writing, to gaze longingly over at Hermione. She was sitting in front of the fire with Dean. The couple were talking and laughing together. So bloody merry. Ron's expression turned sad and he glanced down at his writing, knowing none of it was ever going to be real. He sighed and put away his things. Time for bed.

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"For the last time, leave me alone!" Ron heard Draco roar. He quickened his pace down the hallway. "I'm not buying your - 'I've hated you for so long and now I love you' shite!" 

"But you're supposed to fall madly in love with me and evilly hound me until I can't deny you any longer!" Ginny whined.

"I don't want to!" Draco snapped.

Ron stopped just around the corner from where they were standing and listened. Could Malfoy's claims be true? "Won't you even tutor me?" she pleaded.

"No!" Draco cried. "And I'm not going to study with you in the library and accidentally kiss!"

Ginny stamped her foot and growled at him. "Well, good bye then Draco! Good bye forever!" she shouted before running off down the hall. Ron quickly scampered off as well, else Draco discover him there!

He continued on his way to breakfast, cerebrating about Ginny and Malfoy, and sat down next to Harry, across from Hermione and Dean. Dean had even taken to sitting with them at all meals, instead of with his own friends. When Harry saw Ron approaching, he rolled his eyes and nodded towards the couple. They were sitting face to face feeding each other pieces of melon. "Get a room," Ron said. Hermione froze in mid-feed to glare at Ron. "Well, get to it! A good shag- that's all you really want, right?"

Hermione redirected the melon at Ron's head. He ducked and stuck out his tongue. "My romantic life isn't any of your business!" she said.

"Then why did I have to hear you complain about being seventeen and unshagged? Is that what this whole Dean thing is about? You're just waiting until he gives you a good going-over, eh?" Ron asked.

"I-" Hermione began.

"We've already had sex, Weasley, if that's what you're getting at," Dean drawled, interrupting her. Hermione flushed and Harry covered his face.

Ron scoffed. "Bollocks! I know a virgin when I see one!" Ron retorted.

Harry was making choking noises into his hands. Hermione gasped and got to her feet. Then she gasped some more. Adamantly, she gasped. "God, Ron! You ruin everything! Stay out of my life!" she shrieked, before booking it out of the Great Hall. Dean pursued.

"That was a bit over-done," Ron commented.

Harry peeked through his fingers. "I never want to hear about Hermione's sex life ever again," he muttered. "Hermione is asexual in my head and I want her to remain that way."

Ron shrugged and grinned at his friend. "You needn't worry- I'm almost positive they're lying."

Harry looked longingly down at the breakfast he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach. "Either way, I don't want to hear about it."

Ron itched to write his version of reality out in his story. He whipped out the parchment and began to scribble...

_"Oh you're so brave!" Hermione cried. _

_"Just tell me one thing... did you ever shag Dean?" Ron asked. _

_"Of course not! I was always too in love with you to do something like that!" Hermione answered. "I am-"_

"What is that?" Harry interrupted. "You keep writing at the oddest times and you get this weird look upon your face."

"A weird look? Really?" Ron asked, self-conscious.

"So what is it?" Harry asked.

Ron recovered enough to snarl, "An essay! What else would I waste my time on?"

"Can I see it, then? If it's just an essay?" Harry persisted.

Ron paled. "No.. no.. y-you.. you just want to copy!"

"I assure you I-"

"I said NO!" Ron insisted.

Harry smirked. "Is it your diary or something?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ron yelled. Harry looked wounded and turned quickly away. Ron scowled, but could not evade the guilt of yelling at his best friend over something so stupid. He stared at Harry's back for a few minutes. "Harry-" he began.

Harry whipped around, shooting daggers with his eyes. "WHAT."

"I'll tell you..." Ron mumbled.

Harry suddenly looked more keen. "Hmm?"

Ron rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Well.. it's just a story I'm writing..." he muttered.

"A story? You? For fun?" Harry investigated, grinning from ear to ear at the hilarity of it all.

"Sure, laugh it up, Harry..." Ron growled.

Harry attempted to calm down. He wanted more answers before Ron gave him the silent treatment. "Sorry, sorry," he groveled. "Can I read it some time? What is it about?"

Ron looked uncomfortable. "No... you can't read it."

"Why?"

"It's just a stress reliever for me," Ron lied. "For instance, if Malfoy's being a prat, I can just write that he trips and breaks his nose in my story."

Harry seemed on the verge of laughter again. "Have you written anything about me?"

Ron shook his head and protectively folded up the story, hiding it in his book bag. "I have to go..." he said, getting to his feet.

"So you just write about Malfoy?" Harry persisted. "Anyone else? How about Hermione? Do you write about her?"

Ron quickly departed from the Great Hall, shaking his head as he went.


	4. Love

Disclaimer - I disclaim!

A/N - Yeah I realize I haven't updated in two years.

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Chapter Four - Love

Harry was laughing to himself as he left the Great Hall for his first class. Ron was writing a little imaginary fantasy story like a _girl_. The hilarity was infinite. He wondered what exactly Ron wrote about. Maybe he could try to coax some more details out of him. Hermione would probably faint from laughter if he told her. But he wouldn't, of course. He was perfect Potter- the most amazing, trust-worthy friend on the planet.

He sat down next to Ron in Transfiguration and noticed his friend was staring at Hermione.

"Really?" Harry asked.

Ron snapped out of it and glared at Harry. "Really what?" he growled.

"Are you really that in love with Hermione?" Harry elaborated.

Ron looked appalled that Harry would ever insinuate something like that. "In _love_? LOVE!?" Ron gasped. "That's just disgusting, Harry."

"Well you've been like this ever since she started dating Dean," Harry pointed out.

"Well it's just that..." Ron struggled with his words. "Just that... It's because... Well... I mean... I want to... Uh... Shag her..."

Harry pretended to vomit all over his books. Ron glared, his face crimson.

"Feeling a bit ill, Potter?" Draco inquired. He was turned all the way around in his seat, looking smug. "Did Weasley just admit his undying affection for you?"

"Sod off," Harry grumbled, though not particularly bothered. Ron fainted.

Ms. McGonagall swept into the room just them. "Face forward, Draco," she barked. "And Harry, please get Mr. Weasley back into his chair before I deduct points."

Harry scrambled out of his seat. "Ennervate," he muttered. Ron's eyes shot open, the horror still evident on his face. Harry pulled him up and shoved him back into his chair. He could see Draco's shoulders shaking with laughter.

"Bloody git," he said under his breath. Class began, but Harry felt too full of angst to pay attention. He looked over at Ron and saw that he was fervently writing something. Harry looked around the room to make sure no one was watching and then pulled out his own piece of parchment.

Unsure what to do, he simply wrote, "_Draco Malfoy challenged Harry Potter to a duel._" Harry stared down at those words and a smile slowly crept across his face.

_Everyone knew it was unlikely that Draco would ever beat someone as naturally talented as Harry. Many people called Draco an idiot for even trying. _

_'I almost feel sorry for Malfoy,' Ginny said to Harry before the duel. _

_'I'll try to go easy on him, Ginny,' Harry said. 'If that would make you happy.'_

_Ginny smiled and hugged him tightly. 'What would make me happy is you getting through this duel alright,' she whispered into his neck. _

_'Don't worry,' Harry insisted. Ginny_

"What are you doing?" Ron hissed.

Harry nearly jumped out of clothes. He was really that startled! "Transfiguration notes!" Harry snapped. "What else?"

Ron tried to get a look at what Harry was writing. Harry folding up the parchment. "I dunno, Harry..." Ron said skeptically. "You sure had a funny look on your face..."

"AS IF!" Harry cried. All the kids turned to stare at Harry.

McGonagall had stopped talking and was looking angry. "Ten points from Gryffindor for disrupting my class!" she announced. The Gryffindors in the classroom booed and Harry ducked as a tomato came flying at him.

Harry spent the rest of class sulking. It wasn't easy being Harry Potter. He had the weight of the world on his broad, manly shoulders. It wasn't fair. And Ginny Weasley didn't even love him anymore.

By the time lunch rolled around, Harry had resigned himself to glowering at everyone who would look his way. Hermione and Dean joined them, though neither of them looked all that happy about it. Ron seemed smug about something.

"So Harry..." Hermione began. "What was that all about in Potions?"

Harry didn't look up from his food.

"I think Malfoy was bothering them, honey," Dean offered.

"HONEY!?" Ron suddenly yelled, leaping up from the bench and slamming his plate of food onto the floor for emphasis. "No!" He flailed his arms in the air. "NO!"

Hermione stared at Ron in shock for a moment and then turned back to Harry, deciding to just ignore Ron. "You know you shouldn't let Malfoy get to you, Harry," she said smartly.

"SHUT UP!" Harry roared, getting to his feet as well. "JUST SHUT UP, HERMIONE! IF YOU'RE MEANING TO BE INTELLIGENT, THEN SAY THINGS WE DON'T ALREADY KNOW!"

Ron stomped his feet, squishing his lunch under his feet. "AND STOP SHAGGING DEAN!" he added.

Hermione stood up, grabbed her plate, and launched it at Ron's face. After seeing the plate meet its target, she raced out of the hall just as she had done at breakfast. Dean, looking severely irritated, marched after her. Harry sat back down and and started nonchalantly devouring his meal once more. Ron fumed, made bizarre gargling noises, fumed some more, and then swiftly scurried away.

Ginny moved over to sit next to Harry. "What was that about?" she asked.

"Voldemort wants to kill me, my parents were murdered, Cedric died because of me, Sirius died because of me, everyone's dying because of me, you don't love me, Malfoy's annoying the shit out of me, Ron won't just tell Hermione how he feels and is instead dragging me through his drama with her every single day, Hermione has become even more stuck up since she got her first boyfriend..." Harry ranted. Ginny began to slowly back away from him as he continued to spew his complaints.

A few hours later, when Harry was done, he noticed Ginny was gone. Well... everyone was gone. He looked at the clock and saw dinner was in an hour. He had talked through all his afternoon classes! But... what had he done! Ginny had been coming onto him, hadn't she? And he had thrown away the opportunity!

Harry never caught a break.

Fighting back tears, he took out his story.

_Ginny looked comforted. _

_"I love you, Harry," she said. "All these years I've never stopped loving you."_

_"I love you too, Ginny," he replied. "I wish I had realized it sooner."_

_Then, bravely, Harry faced his nemesis. _


End file.
